1/24/2014 I'm thankful:

re·sil·ience

 noun \ri-ˈzil-yən(t)s\

: the ability to become strong, healthy, or successful again after something bad happens

: the ability of something to return to its original shape after it has been pulled, stretched, pressed, bent, etc.

   A high school classmate posted on FB that today is the sixth anniversary of her husband losing to cancer.  Her post indicated good memories and I commented and hope that she is able to look up through the sadness.  That was about two hours ago and triggered thoughts that have led to this blog.
   January is a tough month for me, other things contribute but the anticipation of the eleventh anniversary of Cindy's death on Friday has the effect it would have on any other parent.  Of course I get sad and think of all the "what if'" and for me there will always be the unanswered question of "did Agent Orange...".
   In that sadness there is always the knowledge of how she affected the people that knew her and of her.
   When she was a baby, I was feeding her in the middle of the night and noticed her fingernails as she held my finger.  Being of simple mind and a new Father, I took off her booty's and examined her toenails.  I then sat there with tears running down my face as I realized I would be a Father and hopefully a Daddy/Dad the rest of my life.
   Cindy's Mother couldn't deal with the disabilities and left.  My own Mom & Dad accepted Cindy into their home and treated her as their own while I struggled to "put my life back together".  While with Mom & Dad, Cindy came in contact with my siblings, some of my cousins, uncles and so many others at "schools", clinics, social service agencies and more.  Eventually she moved to Duluth to a home for children with special needs.  While there she met the woman who was to be her Mom.
   After our marriage, Carol adopted Cindy to make formal and legal the role she'd already made her own.  As Cindy's parents we fought many, many battles for her care.  I word it, "we won all the (legal) battles and lost the war".  As we fought for care against the supposed experts and "budgetary decisions" we received a lot of acclaim from caregivers and observers while we also created resentment among the "Professionals".   Eventually we were forced to make a decision of one of us having to fore go one income and  the life and home we'd built for ourselves and sons and have Cindy full time at home or "surrender parental rights".  We made the decision as parents of three children.  Cindy moved into a home with some very, very special people (who eventually adopted her) and her many special needs siblings.
   Cause was never definitively determined for Cindy's conditions.  I was told she would not live to reach her fifth birthday.  She died almost three months after her thirty-first birthday.  During that time she altered and affected many lives.  Obviously she changed my, her Mother(s), her Mom's (clarification: for me, Cindy will always have only one Mom regardless of what her last adopted female parent called herself), all six of her GrandParents, my siblings and their children.  I've no doubt that she influenced those who treated and cared for her as their professional duties and the families of the other special need children that came in contact with her.
   In my mind Cindy will remain the baby and little girl she was prior to her last adoption. ( Carol and I were not allowed to see or visit her in "her family".  I was asked and gave blood one time, we attended a "Graduation Party" and her funeral.)  That image is what I have/had in mind when I expressed my hopes for my classmate today.  I hope she can remember the images that are parallel to the time I took Cindy's hand to feel a tree, her laughter and pleasure of watching "Troubles" the dog, her smiles at and brought by her brothers and the indelible feelings that I had as I watched Cindy and her Mom interact.
   This writing is part of what Cindy gave me.  The ability and desire to share.  My thoughts, feelings and myself (through volunteering and other actions) are given to others because a baby taught me love that has no ending.

I'm thankful for: BEING INTERNALLY CONTROLLED RATHER THAN EXTERNALLY.

1/15/2014  IMO, internally controlled people make choices based on what they see as "correct" with little or no regard for whether or not 1) others are present (some cases) and 2) some external force will "catch" them/me.  Again IMO, externally controlled people have one standard for whether or not others will act or view the actions.

Plagiarized from Regina Brett, 90 years old, no doubt possessing more wisdom than me.
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good..
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short-enjoy it.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye, but don't worry, God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to be happy. But it's all up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative of dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have, not what you need
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

"I'm the OldDog, she's Younger."

   This blog is my own tribute to a special member of my family.  She's crossed the bridge as dogs do all too soon.  I guess this is a Biography of a Golden Retriever named Younger.

    Yesterday was the third anniversary of the day she collapsed and wasn't able to walk again because of her back legs.  She also started having difficulty breathing.  We got her on her bed in the living room and she stayed there until the next day (1/2/2011) when a couple neighbors came and lifter her bed into my truck so we could take her to the Emergency Vet Clinic in Missoula.  She spent the night there and passed away the next morning a little before a specialist was to examine her for a tumor that canines get which affects neurology and respiratory.  I spent the night of 1/1/2011 with her on her bed to comfort her and hopefully ease some of her (and my own) fears.  I visited her early the morning of 1/3 and Sheila a little later on her way to work.  Sheila hadn't gotten far down the road when they called her to say that Younger had died.

    Younger was born on 8/3/2004 a couple days before my own birthday in a very low spot of MY life.  Sheila says things happen for a reason, and Younger's birth certainly had reason in my life.  

     I brought her home at about six weeks and took her to the Vet to "have her checked" and start her medical records.  She was a normal puppy and I had her tested for hip dysplasia (sp).  The results came back with very high probability of future problems so I scheduled her to be spayed. I'd had the intention of raising her to be a Therapy Dog when I purchased her.  I'd read about children reading to dogs and as an Educator with a BS in Psychology that really struck me as a beneficial foundation for young children.  I'd enjoyed prior volunteer work and knew that I needed a positive focus at that period of my own life. 

     We spent considerable time on her training and preparation for the Therapy Dog's International  (TDI) test.  The test and AKC Good Canine Citizen evaluations were given at the same time and she received much praise from the Evaluater.

      We began logging visits at local schools and then the Tomah Wisconsin VA hospital.  She was a wonderful success in those visits as well as the rest of her 260 logged visits in Minnesota & Montana in addition to Wisconsin.  She also attracted many, many people to just pet her including what seems like a large number of parents that asked if their child who was "afraid of dogs".  I'm sure there must have been some that the child ended up NOT petting her, but I recall an extraordinary number of parents raving about how the child just seemed to know it was okay to be near this dog.

      Younger helped raise WayVer when we volunteered as puppy raisers for Guide Dogs of America (GDA).  He came back to us after only nine days in his formal GD training because he was over stressed.  I believe the "reason" he failed was because he was meant to be a TD.  I also believe that her temperament helped shape his gentle nature and "need" to be touched by humans.  We did some, but I think most of his TD training is from his "sister".  Younger later became the first Therapy Dog in the Montana Mental Health settings and WayVer became the second.  Younger's influence IMO continued while WayVer helped raise Willie (who also became a TD and the three have logged more than 485 visits plus an uncountable number of other "contacts").

     Two stories about Younger and Veterans and one in a local nursing home illustrate her effect during TD visits.  You may want to get some Kleenix.

1. In Tomah Hospital there was a Vet on the ward that had obviously had an explosive accident.  He had part of one thumb and no other fingers or thumbs.  He was (justifiably IMO) a very, very angry man and pretty much always hard to be near.  Sometimes he'd "allow" us to visit and sometimes he'd say, "NO leave me alone".  I'm sure they did, but I never saw staff interact with him.  The last day of her visits, the staff had put up a notice to that effect and the Vets expressed how much Younger's visits had meant.  Visiting the one Vet brought that to home for the OldDog.  I knocked on his door and asked if he wanted to say good bye to her.  He said yes in a very pleasant way, got down on his hands and knees and was hugging her neck as tears ran down his face.  In all the visits I was on the other end of the leash and did NOT know they'd made that deep of a connection.
2. In Missoula I was asked if I wanted to bring Younger into some groups being started for Vets with PTSD.  We got the okay from the heads of MT VA, got her (and me) ID cards as volunteers and set up the required training for me to be there as the handler.  The groups we were to work with were Depression and Anger Management.  After the first group meeting of Anger Management (extremely emotional and I was wondering what I'd gotten us into), I got a call from the Group Leader.  She said she had to call me to tell me.  I thought, "well someone complained and it's going to end here".  She said "Roger, one of the Vets came in to tell me that he would have lost it three times if Younger hadn't kept coming over to him".  She just seemed to know her "job" and would get up and walk to group members and I had to find a way to follow (TDI requires the dogs to be on a leash during all visits).
3. As we were getting out of the truck one day at a nursing home.  A relatively young woman came up and asked "Is that Younger?".  After I said yes, she shared that when she visited, her Mother talked only about Younger and when the next visit would be.  She teased that she was jealous of "that dog".  There were also very rewarding indications indicating residents on the Alzheimer Ward were positively effected by Younger's presence.

    At home, she was simply a wonderful pet (Therapy Dogs are NOT Service Dogs and do NOT share the special legal status of SD's) and "big sister".  As I said, she helped raise WayVer and Sheila and I often commented on how she changed her tolerance and behavior as the puppy grew (absolutely as human's do with their own young).  She also interacted with the other GDA puppies at meetings we had.  She was a family member in every sense of the word.

    I've written/bragged about Younger because she replaced a previous dog as "the standard" against which I measure other dogs.  She wasn't perfect (we arrived at a Nephews home with a load from WI.  Sheila went to the house to tell them we'd arrived.  As I started removing the tarp from the trailer to unload into the barn, I heard excited chicken sounds.  As I ran in, she came out carrying one of the pet chickens in her mouth), but she sure set a high bar for other dogs to attempt to meet.  Younger's ashes are by my chair in the living room, but she's really in my heart.

   This is the prelude to another blog I intend to write today.  Next blog is about "Younger" and because today and tomorrow are the third anniversaries of her death, it focused my thoughts on her.  That tendency to focus on past ("life changing") events is what leads me to THIS writing.
    There is often commentary that indicates that "looking into the past" is a negative and that we "should" look to the future.  I think that like most things that is somewhat true, but ONLY IN MODERATION!!  "Dwelling" on the past IMO means refusing to continue "trying" new things and relationships BECAUSE of the past.  On the other hand (again IMO) looking back to understand and learn is essential in life.  I'll paraphrase a saying: not learning from the past (mistakes) condemns one/society to repeat those lost lessons.
     I've spoken often about what I call my "reflecting".  In that, I expand those examinations of the past to encompass periods of events and time with others.  I reflect and try to understand and learn from "what really happened".
     My main point for this blog is to "explain" that often the trigger for those reflections are an anniversary of a period that ended or the anniversary or something to remind me of a particular event.  December & even more so January are periods that have a lot of anniversaries for me.  It seems the trigger is too often a loss that leads me to recount a relationship.  While doing that I have a tendency to gather strength and reassurance from the positive highlights of those relationships.  That is just my way!!  A negative may/does trigger the reflections that often are mostly thinking about positives.  Philosophically I credit that whole process as why I see myself as mostly viewing new things as a "glass mostly full" that is to say: my own view and evaluations of Roger are that he's mostly a positive thinker.